I AM SO CONFUSED AT LIFE RIGHT NOW! I just feel like all I want to do is cry. Part of this may have to do with the fact that it's the middle of the night, I'm quite sick, I have a speech due later on today which I have not finished, and that I am definitely running on less hours of sleep then I should be. But besides all that, I just feel empty. I don't know. It's a terrible, terrible feeling. I know that all of you wonderful people out there reading this are thinking what? she is usually a happy person. This is true, but I do have my down times and this is definitely one of them. Do you ever wonder what God's will really is? If you're actually making your own decisions and then pretending that they're God's will because it's what you want? I think about that a lot. I don't know. I recently went on tour with my choir. Many of the people in that group have...different standards than I do. That trip really made me think about who I am and the way I act. Is it just a show? Do I do the right thing because it's expected of me or do I really want to? And if I am doing the right thing because I want to, is it really okay for me to expect people who don't have the same beliefs as me to be up to the same standard? I don't know. Life is extremely overwhelming at the moment. I take on too many responsibilities and don't seem to manage my time very well. Then I get stressed out and write this lovely blog. I feel as if I am so much more complex as a person now then I ever have been before in my life. Ever since I started going to public school I have changed. Yes, it has been a great experience for me. I have really learned a lot about myself and my faith. I have been able to interact with different people and share some of my own beliefs. But I am not the innocent little girl I was even one year ago. I am now informed about things that I never would have wanted to know. Is that alright? I don't know. I guess I couldn't have helped a lot of it and would have found out eventually, but I wish I could have found some of it out at a later time. Don't worry I'm not doing drugs or having sex or any of that crazy stuff. Sometimes I just wish I was back in pre-school when all I had to do was be able to ride a tricycle. I didn't have to worry about saying the right thing, getting things done, being a great girlfriend, knowing the right answers. Life is a wonderful thing, as is growing older, but sometimes, like today, I just wish that I knew what the right thing was.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
WHAT?
I AM SO CONFUSED AT LIFE RIGHT NOW! I just feel like all I want to do is cry. Part of this may have to do with the fact that it's the middle of the night, I'm quite sick, I have a speech due later on today which I have not finished, and that I am definitely running on less hours of sleep then I should be. But besides all that, I just feel empty. I don't know. It's a terrible, terrible feeling. I know that all of you wonderful people out there reading this are thinking what? she is usually a happy person. This is true, but I do have my down times and this is definitely one of them. Do you ever wonder what God's will really is? If you're actually making your own decisions and then pretending that they're God's will because it's what you want? I think about that a lot. I don't know. I recently went on tour with my choir. Many of the people in that group have...different standards than I do. That trip really made me think about who I am and the way I act. Is it just a show? Do I do the right thing because it's expected of me or do I really want to? And if I am doing the right thing because I want to, is it really okay for me to expect people who don't have the same beliefs as me to be up to the same standard? I don't know. Life is extremely overwhelming at the moment. I take on too many responsibilities and don't seem to manage my time very well. Then I get stressed out and write this lovely blog. I feel as if I am so much more complex as a person now then I ever have been before in my life. Ever since I started going to public school I have changed. Yes, it has been a great experience for me. I have really learned a lot about myself and my faith. I have been able to interact with different people and share some of my own beliefs. But I am not the innocent little girl I was even one year ago. I am now informed about things that I never would have wanted to know. Is that alright? I don't know. I guess I couldn't have helped a lot of it and would have found out eventually, but I wish I could have found some of it out at a later time. Don't worry I'm not doing drugs or having sex or any of that crazy stuff. Sometimes I just wish I was back in pre-school when all I had to do was be able to ride a tricycle. I didn't have to worry about saying the right thing, getting things done, being a great girlfriend, knowing the right answers. Life is a wonderful thing, as is growing older, but sometimes, like today, I just wish that I knew what the right thing was.
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Wow. I totally understand what you mean here. I don't have time to say much right now...
ReplyDeleteFeeling like this can be really hard especially when, like you said, people expect you to be happy all the time because you usually are. It's like having a bad day adds to the emotion already on the plate because you feel guilty for feeling horrible! Anyway, I will pray for the Lord to give you peace. I'm coming out of one of these stages myself and feel a bit calmer now. I think a lot of things will happen this Summer for me personally that will help me grow. I'll pray the same for you! It's difficult to have all of these trying thoughts on your mind at any point in time, let alone at the close of a semester.
Hang in there, Sis! God totally has our backs, and won't let them get broken. :) xoxo
Yeah, I kind of go through stages in my life where I get all crazy and question everything. I think it's mostly during the times when I'm really stressed and sometimes I feel like I can't talk to people about stuff because either they won't understand or because I'm supposed to be the one giving advice, the practical, happy person. But sometimes I'm not. Anyways I am feeling better today. I just needed to barf all my feelings out somewhere I think. Thanks so much for your reply and your prayers though! That means a lot!
ReplyDeleteWow... that was like looking in a mirror. This semester was really hard for me. I found that if I don't keep my priorities straight, my life falls apart. I scraped by this time, but I need to pull things together and focus more on my relationship with God and less on the physical stuff. I know what you mean about making your own decisions and pretending they're God's or, in my case, making decisions and not being sure whether they are God's or if you've blinded yourself to the fact that they're yours. But God is good and I feel that all this just a test of our trust in Him! Hang in there, cuz! You're not alone! :)
ReplyDeletecrazyyyy woman.
ReplyDeleteyou're a lot happier when you sleep. i love you.
Thanks!
ReplyDelete